Intersex Allies

Ideas for Allies of the Intersex Community
Developed by Eli Green and Eric Peterson for the UC Riverside LGBT Resource Center (2003).
  • Don’t assume you can tell if someone is intersex. When addressing or speaking about any group of people, speak as though someone in the room might be TG or IS because, well, they might be!!!
  • Do not tolerate anti-intersex remarks or humor in public spaces.
  • Report all anti-intersex harassment to the proper authorities.
  • Display positve materials for intersex persons. If possible, display relevant posters or flyers.
  • Respect the confidentiality of anyone who comes out to you as intersex. If your sense is that the person is “out” to everyone, ask just to be sure. (“Is there anyone with whom you prefer I not share this information?”)
  • Deal with feelings first. If a person is coming out or dealing with painful experiences, you can help tremendously just by listening.
  • Know your own limits. When you have reached the limits of your knowledge or patience, refer the person to an appropriate resource.
  • Use the pronouns of the gender they feel themselves to be. For instance, if a person says that she identifies as female, use “she”/”her” – regardless of what kind of body that person may have been born into. If you are not sure which pronouns a person prefers, ask, “Which pronouns would you like me to use / do you prefer?” This is sign of respect and support.
  • Do your best to be respectful and call the person by the name they request. Although it can be hard to refer to a person by a new name, a gender questioning person will usually notice and appreciate your concerted effort to respect their wishes.
  • An intersex person may have undergone painful surgeries without their consent that can have permanent effects on their life (e.g. reduced or absent sexual function, increased susceptibility to infections, etc). This non-consensual violation of bodily integrity can have lasting emotional effects as well. Realize that because of these possibilities, an intersex person may not want to hear that infant genital surgeries are “for the best” or “necessary,” since those judgments may ignore values that they hold dear.
  • Be wary of assuming that a common genital conformation is better than an unusual one. Many intersex persons who have escaped non-consensual genital surgery (and, for that matter, many transgender persons who have altered the appearance of their genitals in an uncommon way) express satisfaction and even delight with their unusual bodies. The message behind genital surgeries is that there is something freakish and unacceptable about uncommon genital conformations, such that the person who has or had those genitals must be a “freak”. Such a message conveys extreme disrespect and can severely damage a person’s self-esteem.
  • If your family bears or adopts an intersex child, get all the facts before making a decision about whether or not to choose to assign a gender to your child hormonally and/ surgically. Your doctors may strongly pressure you to submit your child to such treatments. Remember that the vast majority of intersex conditions pose no health threat to the child.
  • The Intersex Society of North America recommends assigning a gender socially but not medically until the child is of an age to declare his or her gender for him- or herself. In other words, give the child a gender-appropriate (or unisex) name. Stick to one set of pronouns. Advocate for your child in his or her school and insist on respectful treatment. Then, as your child matures, be open to the possibility that your guess as to his or her preferred gender expression may have been wrong; perhaps the child you raised as a boy will come to feel that she’d rather live as a girl/woman. Also be open to the possibility that your child will prefer a complicated and/or non-dichotomous gender expression. More than anything, love your child for who they are.
  • Historically speaking, intersex people have usually been targets of violence. This tradition continues today and is often based on the idea that gender is a rigid, bi-polar category that cannot be violated. A small but useful way to help change this is to examine your own ideas of gender stereotypes and challenge those around you to do the same.
  • If someone assumes that you are intersex just because you are an IS ally, don’t rush to deny it. You might try to determine why someone is asking. If you feel a strong urge to deny it, examine that discomfort and the reasons behind it.
  • Remember: above all, intersex people are individual human beings who deserve respect and understanding.